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Forum: "Something to laugh about 4"

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George W. Bush's Intelligence Quizneuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: siebengscheit Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 30.09.2006 13:32:30

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen.
She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"



"I" Before "E," Except After "C"neuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 08.10.2006 11:03:24

It's a rule that is simple, concise and efficeint.
For all speceis of spelling it's more than sufficeint.
Against words wild and wierd, it's one law that shines bright
Blazing out like a beacon upon a great hieght,
It gives guidance impartial, sceintific and fair.
In this language, this tongue to which we are all hier.
'Gainst the glaceirs of ignorance that icily frown,
This great precept gives warmth, like a thick iederdown.
Now, a few in soceity choose to deride,
To cast DOUBT on this anceint and venerable guide;
They unwittingly follow a foriegn agenda,
A plot hatched, I am sure, in some vile haceinda.
In our work and our liesure, our homes and our schools,
Let us follow our consceince, sieze proudly our rules!
Will I dilute my standards, make them vaguer and blither?
I say NO, I will not! I trust you will not iether.


Apostrophesneuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 09.10.2006 16:43:20 geändert: 09.10.2006 16:48:57

Apostrophes

I think that I shall never see
Worse use of the apostrophe
Than greets me early every day,
As morning papers come my way.
The St. Pete Times reports the date
Of *it's* vice president debate. (*)

How often we see mis-used "it's"
Enough to give us pedants fits!
The signs in town find "pig's" for "pigs"
And "car's" and "bar's" and "wig's" for "wigs"
TruValue is the store for "key's"
And one place offers "canopy's" (!)
If you've apostrophes to spare,
I'd like some "robin's" for my hair.
Meanwhile we'll try, the fools like me,
To tame the wild apostrophe.

(*)St. Petersburg Times, Monday Sept. 23, Page 1, lead article, Julia Campbell byline.
Headline: "A day after St. Petersburg learned it's presidential debate would carry vice in the title, the debate continued over how the switch came about."


PS: Das Apostroph-Problem kennen wir ja auch in der deutschen Sprache zur Genüge (ist mein persönliches Liebling'sthema)
Deswegen stelle ich hier noch mal den Link zur Apostroph-S-Hass-Seite rein, für alle, die sie noch nicht kennen - eine wahre Fundgrube!!!!!

http://www.4teachers.de/url/407


The End of the Worldneuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 10.10.2006 20:11:31

When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?

USA Today:WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer
:O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog:OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated:GAME OVER

Wired:THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:'BYE

Discovery Magazine:HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:DEATH AND DAMNATION:

NIELSON RATINGS:SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal:LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online:SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine:TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site:IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun:ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!


Politically Correct High Schoolneuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 11.10.2006 16:03:31 geändert: 11.10.2006 16:05:29

Politically Correct High School·

No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive.

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-rententive athletic footwear."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."


The Duelneuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 12.10.2006 16:47:19

The Duel

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott.

Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.


Internal Revenue Service Paymentneuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 13.10.2006 16:17:21

Internal Revenue Service Payment

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment & included this letter:

Dear SIRS,
Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings by total payment to $3429.00.
Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund", as noted on my return. Might I suggest you then send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw". (See attached article...(HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers".



Limericksneuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 15.10.2006 11:58:53 geändert: 15.10.2006 12:21:37

There once was a handsome young Mr.
Who met a young woman and Kr.
She had a disease
But instead of a sneeze
His top lip developed a Blr.


A girl who weighs many an oz.
Used language I will not pronoz.
For a fellow unkind,
Pulled her chair out behind,
He wanted to see if she'd boz.


The was an old man of the Isles
Who suffered severely from pisles
He couldn’t sit down
Without a deep frown
So he had to row standing for misles



The following poem appeared in INFOCUS magazine. The original authors were Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese of Calvin College & Seminary of Grand Rapids, MI. A poll conducted among INFOCUS readers had established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters < and >, though some readers held out resolutely for "norkies." The text of the poem follows:

< >!*''#
^"`$$-
!*=@$_
%*~< >#4
&[ ]../
|{,,SYSTEM HALTED


The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampers and bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.

And finally.....

I knew a fella from the sticks,
Who thought he could write limericks.
He failed at the sport.
His limericks were too short.


Dave Allenneuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 15.10.2006 22:32:34

on the vagaries of the English language...

http://www.4teachers.de/url/434


köstlichneuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: bernstein Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 15.10.2006 23:21:34

diese Limericks mit den verdrehten Schreibweisen

ich liebe sie

vielen Dank


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