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Forum: "Something to laugh about"

Bitte beachte die Netiquette! Doppeleinträge werden von der Redaktion gelöscht.

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Telephone answering machines (3)neuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 13.05.2006 09:01:26

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi! This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Yes, you have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.


Cats and dogsneuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 13.05.2006 16:27:20

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!


really funny!neuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: rhauda Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 13.05.2006 17:06:00

thanks for all the jokes. More please!!!!! Don't stop!!!


Englische Stilblüten (3)neuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 13.05.2006 17:13:00


Found in various hotels:
Leipzig:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

Bukarest:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

Belgrad:
To move the cabin push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.


;-)neuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 13.05.2006 23:18:24

John was coming out of church, and the vicar was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed John by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" John said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Vicar." The vicar asked, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."


Phonecallneuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 14.05.2006 10:39:26

Brandneu – erst gestern als mp3-Datei bekommen. Ich hab mich totgelacht und gleich versucht, es für euch „abzuhören“ und aufzuschreiben. Ich glaub, es ist mir gelungen. Viel Spaß!!

Rrrrrrrrring rrrrrrrrring!!

Hello, you’ve reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting you to the right staff member please listen to all options before making your selection.

To lie about why your child is absent, press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his homework, press 2

To complain about what we do, press 3

To cuss off staff members, press 4

To ask why you didn’t get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you, press 5

If you want us to raise your child, press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8

To complain about bus transportation, press 9

To complain about school lunches, press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable for his or her own behaviour, classwork, homework, and it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child or children’s lack of effort, thank you and have a nice day!


Ich setz mal den tollen Beitrag von 95i hier rein,neuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 14.05.2006 22:40:00 geändert: 14.05.2006 22:42:37

denn hier passt er mindestens ebenso toll rein. Danke 95i


Rules For Clear Writing

# Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
# Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
# And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
# It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
# Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
# Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
# Be more or less specific.
# Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
# Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
# No sentence fragments.
# Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
# Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
# Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
# One should never generalize.
# Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
# Don't use no double negatives.
# Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
# One-word sentences? Eliminate.
# Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
# The passive voice is to be ignored.
# Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
# Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
# Do not use multiple exclamation points NOR all caps for emphasis!!!
# Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
# Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
# Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
# Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
# If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
# Puns are for children, not groan readers.
# Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
# Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
# Who needs rhetorical questions?
# Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
# The passive voice should never be used.
# Do not put statements in the negative form.
# A writer must not shift your point of view.
# Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
# Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
# If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
# Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
# Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
# Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
# Always pick on the correct idiom.
# The adverb always follows the verb.
# Be careful to use the rite homonym.
# And last...
# Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I found it here:

http://www.gopala.org/teaching.php?cat=43




Why men pee standing upneuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 15.05.2006 19:37:17 geändert: 15.05.2006 23:21:17

Sorry, falls ich diesen Text schon mal irgendwo eingestellt habe. Habs vergessen...

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing,"

God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it." "What's it called? Eve asked.

"Brains," God said.


pepper???neuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 16.05.2006 16:41:11

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"


Horrid jokes (1)neuen Beitrag schreiben zur Forenübersicht   Seitenanfang
von: klexel Userprofil anzeigen Nachricht senden erstellt: 16.05.2006 21:17:23


What did the vampire crawling through the desert say?
„Blood! Blood!“

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

What does a sea-monster eat for dinner?
Fish and ships.

What do French people say after finishing British dinners?
Mercy.

Waiter! Waiter! This egg is bad.
Don’t blame me, I only laid the table.

Doctor, Doctor, what’s a good cure for snake bites?
Stop biting so many snakes.

Doctor, I feel as if I’m getting smaller.
You’ll just have to be a little patient.


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