|Forum: "Something to laugh 3"
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erstellt: 19.08.2006 14:54:34
An old woman walks into the supermarket and starts looking through the vegetables. The greengrocer walks up to her and says, "Can I help you?" And she says, "Where's the broccoli?" And he says, "I'm sorry, ma'am, we don't have any broccoli." But she keeps pawing through the vegetables. So the greengrocer walks back up to her and says, "Can I help you?" And she says, "Where's the broccoli?" So he says, "Ma'am, I told you, we don't have any broccoli." But she keeps pawing through the vegetables. So the greengrocer asks to help her a third time, and when she asks for the broccoli, he says, "Ma'am, could you please spell 'ban' as in 'banana?'" "B-A-N," she says. "Now, could you please spell 'cab' as in 'cabbage?'" "C-A-B," she says. "Yes ma'am, thank you. Now, could you please spell 'fuck' as in 'broccoli?'" "But ... there is no 'fuck' in 'broccoli,'" says the woman. The greengrocer replies, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
erstellt: 19.08.2006 14:57:59
One day a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said,
"All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop.
All you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."
The mother went into the living room and told her son,
"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you
come back down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."
Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip as a pleasant one.
For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip.
For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
|Einstein's Driver|| |
erstellt: 19.08.2006 15:14:07
This is a true life anecdote about Albert Einstein, and his theory of relativity.
After having propounded his famous theory, Albert Einstein would tour the various Universities in the United States, delivering lectures wherever he went. He was always accompanied by his faithful driver, Harry, who would attend each of these lectures while seated in the back row! One fine day, after Einstein had finished a lecture and was coming out of the auditorium into his vehicle, Harry addresses him and says, "Professor Einstein, I've heard your lecture on Relativity so many times, that if I were ever given the opportunity, I would be able to deliver it to perfection myself!"
"Very well," replied Einstein, "I'm going to Dartmouth next week. They don't know me there. You can deliver the lecture as Einstein, and I'll take your place as Harry!"
And so it went to be... Harry delivered the lecture to perfection, without a word out of place, while Einstein sat in the back row playing "chauffer", and enjoying a snooze for a change.
Just as Harry was descending from the podium, however, one of the research assistants intercepted him, and began to ask him a question on the theory of relativity.... one that involved a lot of complex calculations and equations. Harry replied to the assistant "The answer to this question is very simple! In fact, it's so simple, that I'm going to let my chauffer answer it!"
die nicht weiß, wo der erste Eintrag gelandet ist - oops
|A G I N G|| |
erstellt: 20.08.2006 12:17:01
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21... YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30,
then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away! Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May all of you make it to a 100 and a half!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them.
That is why you pay him/her.
Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
Enjoy the simple things.
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
erstellt: 21.08.2006 17:05:54 geändert: 22.08.2006 16:28:29
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother alwaysloved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Shortly, the old man received this telegram:
"For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!!
That's where I buried the GUNS!!"
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son's reply was:
"Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you from here."
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