«I am for the death penalty. Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment. That way he learns the lesson for the next time.» -- Britney Spears.

I wonder when they will do us all a favour and will remove themselves from our gene pool.

More quotes...

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things . . .





Then you are probably the family dog.

In letzter Zeit wächst es ja rasant.
Leider, leider ist mein Computer kürzlich restlos verendet und natürlich hatte ich meine mails niemals gesichert, mit den vielen dort noch schlummernden englischen jokes....
Deshalb wiederhole ich mich jetzt hier (means: Ich habe das schon mal in einem 4tea-Forum gepostet, aber hier gehört's rein):

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?".

"Not yet," replied his mother.

Den kann man auf Deutsch nicht erzählen

Deine Reaktion, klexel, ermutigt mich, noch was aus einem anderen Forum wieder auszukramen (Warum nur habe ich nicht restlos alles, was interessant ist, schon mal hier gepostet, und die zuletzt gebastelten und nicht mehr gesicherten Arbeitsblätter hochgeladen?? 4teas als letzte Rettung bei völligem Datenverlust... Sehr beruhigend, das hier noch alles vorhanden ist!) Also:

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive" on TV, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they send it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

A few days ago I was driving through Raleigh when I developed car trouble. While I was waiting for my car, a senior from North Carolina State University came in and asked for a "seven-hundred-ten."

We all looked at each other, and another customer asked, "What is a 'seven-hundred-ten?'"

The student replied, "You know, the little thingy in the middle of the engine; I lost it and need a new one--it had always been there until today."

The mechanic gave the N. C. State kid a piece of paper and a pen and asked him to draw what the piece looked like.

He drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

The mechanic then took N. C. State senior over to another car that had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
The N. C. State senior pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here...
http://my.execpc.com/~davewrit/710.jpg

Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk:

10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound
4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound
2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound
2 bars soap at $.83 each

"How much does that come to?" asked Larry.

"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."

"If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy.

Siebengscheit

"Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.

Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don't want to buy the items...that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION –
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll 'give' you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks like a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!