|Forum: "Something to laugh about 4"
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|kochies best jokes|| |
erstellt: 07.07.2011 08:45:36 geändert: 07.07.2011 08:59:21
Jeden Morgen beim Fruestuecksfernsehen hier in Sydney/Australien auf Kanal 7 wird der Joke des Tages verlesen, den Zuschauer einschicken:
Ein Teil der Jokes zu finden auf
There is an Australian, Kiwi and South African sitting in a bar who have just ordered a round of beers.
The Kiwi skulls his beer and then throws the glass into the floor smashing it and says to the Australian and South African, "we have so much glass in New Zealand we never have to drink out of the same glass more than once."
The South African, not to be out done skulls his beer, spilling half of it, and then throws his glass up in the air and shoots it, saying to the Australian and the Kiwi, "we also have to much glass in South Africa that we never need to drink from the same glass more than once".
The Australian calmly finishes his beer ensuring not a drop is wasted. He then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi and South African and says, "we have so many Kiwis and South Africans in Australia we never have to drink with the same one more than once".
A man's wife hits him across the head. "What's that for?" She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it."
Quick as a flash he replies "That's the name of a horse I bet on today, you silly woman."
A week later she hots him over the head with a frying pan.
He says "What was that for?"
She replies "Your horse phoned."
There once was a chicken that wanted to cross the road. On the other side of the road was a man. The chicken asked who are you? The man replied "Bond, James Bond.:" The man then asked the chicken, "who are you?" The chicken replied "Ken, Chick Ken"
Bill Clinton walked outside the Oval Office one cold winter morning, and much to his surprise there was a yellow message in the snow. Apparently, someone had peed and written "You Suck Bill!" Alarmed, the President had his top aid get to cracking the case. Later that afternoon, the young man returned and said "I have good news and bad news." Bill asked for the good news. So the young man replied "We've identifed the culprits." Bill asked, "There were multiple people involved? How?" The aid replied, "Yes sir. Tests confirmed the pee to be Al Gore's. But the handwriting is your wife's."
P.S. Als Buecher gibt's Koechies Best Jokes auch im deutschen online-Buchhandel. Einfach "Englische Buecher" und "kochie's best jokes" als Suchbegriff eingeben.
Und das ist Kochie's Homepage:
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erstellt: 16.10.2011 23:12:21
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)
8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
erstellt: 09.02.2012 00:06:29 geändert: 09.02.2012 00:15:00
zum Lachen, sondern zum Nachdenken.
Ein wie ich finde wunderschöner englischer Kurzfilm (6Min.), ein Beitrag zur Regensburger Kurzfilmwoche, vielleicht sogar im Unterricht einsetzbar, in SEKII:
Antonia is a 12 year old girl. She often has daydreams, in which she wonders off into a magical far away forest, were she hides from the problems of the real world. One day, however, her father takes drastic measures and she has to face a decision.
Is your inner peace an utopian state until you have finally escaped the grip of the society and its rules? Or is affirmation a faster way to your personal luck? And what are you supposed to do, if you have to answer this question at the age of 12?
In the Animated Short "The Forest", the protagonist has to cope with this question and her hostile environment and finds a simple but radical solution.
Da ich nicht weiß, wie lange der ZEIT-Link aktuell bleibt, hab ich hier noch die Homepage zum Film gefunden. Dort kann man zur englischen Sprache verschiedensprachige Untertitel einblenden, wenn man möchte. Und eine Downloadmöglichkeit gibts hier auch.
Beitrag (nur Mitglieder)