nur blöd.und dem hohen Niveau in diesem Forum nicht angemessen:

Lehrer: "Susi, was heißt Glocke auf Englisch?"
Susi: "Weiß ich nicht."
Lehrer: "Bell!"
Susi: "Wau wau wau!"

Tief zerknirscht
elefant1

COMPUTER PROVERBS


* Home is where you hang your @.

* The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

* C:\ is the root of all directories.

* Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

* Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

* The modem is the message.

* Too many clicks spoil the browse.

* The geek shall inherit the earth.

* A chat has nine lives.

* Don't byte off more than you can view.

* Fax is stranger than fiction.

* What boots up must come down.

* Windows will never cease.

* In Gates we trust.(?)

* Virtual reality is its own reward.

* Modulation in all things.

* A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

* Know what to expect before you connect.

* Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

* Speed thrills.

* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a waiting room full of patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that."



"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.



The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Stimmt eigentlich - beim Kinderarzt fragen sie auch immer "Na was hat er denn?" -könnte ähnlich enden in einem Raum voller konservativer Mütter die die Ohren ihrer Kinder schützen wollen.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked, "Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course, my child. What can I do for you?" he replied.
"Here is the problem," the lady said. "I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. But I have really gone over the declaration limits and I'm worried they'll confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it? under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie." said the priest.
"You have such an honest face, Father. I am sure they will not ask you any questions," she said and gave him the hair remover.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself at customs, he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said "Go ahead, Father.

Tom Swifty puns play on a relationship between an adverb, and an action spoken in dialogue. The original Tom Swift was a fictional title character in a series of children's books written by Edward L Stratemeyer (1862-1930). Tom Swifty puns satirize the writing of these books, and their simple 'Tom said, Tom did, Tom said' writing.

·'I've lost my trousers,' Tom said expansively.

·'I've returned from the labotomy,' Tom said absentmindedly.

·'Let's dig up the bodies,' Tom said gravely.

·'I don't like hot dogs,' Tom said frankly.

·'No, you can't have any of my oysters,' said Tom shellfishly.

·'I'd love some Chinese food,' said Tom wantonly.

·'I want to date around,' said Tom unsteadily.

·'Take the prisoner downstairs,' Tom said condescendingly.

·'Drop the gun,' Tom said with a disarming smile.

·'I lost my hair,' Tom bawled.

·'I returned from Japan,' Tom said disorientedly.

·'Is this sodomy?' Tom asked, half in Ernest.

"Roses are red,
violets are blue,
Some poems rhyme,
But this one doesn't."

roses are red
violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
and so am I

Noch ein paar Tom Swifties. (zum Buchstaben A)
Bitte sagt mir, ob ihr die Dinger mögt. Es gibt ja noch eine Menge weitere Buchstaben im Alphabet....

"I'm wearing a ribbon round my arm," said Tom with abandon.

"I'm concerned about the number of people not attending," said Tom absentmindedly.

"I like modern painting," said Tom abstractly.

"Now I have the tools to chop down that tree," said Tom with a heavy accent.

"This salad dressing has too much vinegar," said Tom acidly.

"There's room for one more," Tom admitted.

"Here's your allowance for the next two weeks," Tom advanced.

"I'd like to eat seventeen cakes," Tom agreed.

"I'm halfway up a mountain," Tom alleged.

"There's no need for silence," Tom allowed.

"There seems to be at least one blood-sucking insect in every outhouse," said Tom aloofly.

"It's a unit of electric current," said Tom amply.

"These propulsion systems were used by NASA on moon rockets," said Tom apologetically.

"I compliment the company that makes the Macintosh computer," said Tom applauding.

"We can't have this and eat it too," said Tom archaically.

"It's an actual parameter, not a formal parameter," was Tom's argument.

"You have the right to remain silent," said Tom arrestingly.

"Someday I'll run the CIA," said Tom aspiringly.

"I've mailed the letter," Tom assented.

"I decided which car to purchase after looking at the pictures," said Tom autobiographically.

Normality

They say that I am crazy,
They say that I'm insane.
They say that I'm a moron
And that I have no brain.
But I'm sure I am normal.
Wanna know how I know?
I know I'm not a loony
Because the voices told me so.