|Forum: "Something to laugh about 4"
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|A NEW NAVIGATION TECHNIQUE|| |
erstellt: 31.08.2006 00:30:19
A NEW NAVIGATION TECHNIQUE
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. He began circling around looking for a landmark.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"
The man replies, "You're in an airplane."
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
"Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
|How old am I ??|| |
erstellt: 01.09.2006 15:53:36 geändert: 16.10.2006 12:49:57
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says. "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
|Bush and the Queen|| |
erstellt: 02.09.2006 14:24:47
The Queen was awaiting the arrival of President Bush at Heathrow Airport.
A 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from the Queen.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control".
Mr Bush, ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
|Words Not Yet in Dictionary|| |
erstellt: 03.09.2006 20:11:36 geändert: 03.09.2006 20:13:06
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from
(a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.
ELEVCELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETOPHOBIC (peh toe fo' bik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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