|Forum: "Something to laugh 3"
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|Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson...|| |
erstellt: 16.08.2006 13:59:20 geändert: 16.08.2006 14:00:45
... go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Ich stimme klexel voll und ganz zu .
|Disorder in the Court|| |
erstellt: 17.08.2006 14:09:19 geändert: 17.08.2006 19:45:15
A Collection of 'Transquips'by Richard LedereMost language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings. Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:
What is your brother-in-law's name? Borofkin.
What's his first name? I can't remember.
He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
I refuse to answer that question.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
I refuse to answer that question.
Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
And by whose death was it terminated?
Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
What is your name? Ernestine McDowell.
And what is your marital status? Fair.
Are you married? No, I'm divorced.
And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A lot of things I didn't know about.
And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it.
How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
I will be three months November 8th.
Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
I should be.
How many times have you committed suicide?
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Were you aquainted with the deceased?
Before or after he died?
Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
What happened then?
He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Did he kill you?
Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
What was he doing with the dog's ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.
|What is politics?|| |
erstellt: 17.08.2006 19:48:36
What is politics?
A little boy went to his dad and asked, "What is politics?"
The Dad thought for a while, and then said, "Well son, let me try to explain it like this. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so you could call me Capitalism. Now think about your mum - she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. Now your mum and I, we're here to take care of your needs, so we'll consider you to be the people. Nanny works very hard, so we'll call her the Working Class. And lastly, your baby brother - let's call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense!"
So the little boy went off to bed and spent all evening thinking about what his dad had told him.
Later that night, the boy heard his baby brother crying, so he got up to check on him. He found that the baby had severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy went into his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went instead to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looked through the keyhole and to his surprise saw his father in bed with the nanny. He gave up trying to wake anyone and went back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy said to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father replied, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy said, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."
|THE RABBIT, THE FOX AND THE WOLF: A FABLE|| |
erstellt: 18.08.2006 10:32:06 geändert: 18.08.2006 10:33:18
One sunny day a rabbit came out of hits hole in the ground to enjoy the weather. The day was so nice that the rabbit became careless, so a fox sneaked up to it and caught it.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my Ph.D. thesis."
"Hah, that's a stupid excuse. What is the title of your thesis anyway?"
"I am writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come to my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You are really crazy!" But since the fox was curious and nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit into its hole. The fox never came back out.
A few days later, the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to eat it.
"Wait!", yelled the rabbit,"you cannot eat me right now."
"And why might that be, you fuzzy appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my Ph.D. thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves."
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its hold on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you, you are really sick in the head, you might have something contagious," the wolf opined.
"Come read for yourself, you can eat me after that, if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went to the rabbit's hole and never came out.
The rabbit finished its thesis and was out celebrating in the lettuce fields. Another rabbit came by and asked, "What's up? You seem to be very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my dissertation."
"Congratulations! What is it about?"
"It is titled 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes, you should come over and read it for yourself."
So they went together to the rabbit's hole. As they went in, the friend saw a typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the the controversial dissertation was in one corner, on the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left was a pile of wolf bones, and in the middle was a large, lip-licking lion.
The moral of the story:
The title of your dissertation doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your thesis advisor is.
|The magician & the parrot|| |
erstellt: 18.08.2006 15:38:06
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. He has a different audience each week, so he allowed himself to perform the same act over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of every show, "Look, that's not the same hat!"
"Now he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything about it. After all, it was the captain's parrot.
One day the unthinkable happened: The ship had an accident and sank! The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course!
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a single word. This went on for days.
After a week the parrot finally broke the silence and said, "OK, I give up. Where'd you hide the boat?"
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