|Forum: "Something to laugh about 4"
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|Disturbing Facts|| |
erstellt: 27.11.2006 13:32:32 geändert: 27.11.2006 13:36:29
Received by email, origin unknown:
VERY TOUGH QUESTIONS
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be our choice? Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone. Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading..
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs...built the ark. Professionals...built the Titanic
And finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of the Americans in line.
|Irish Maths|| |
erstellt: 30.11.2006 17:17:10
Received by email, origin unknown:
A construction boss in Belfast was interviewing men when along came a guy named Paddy from Dublin."I'm not hiring no dumb Paddy from Dublin" thought the boss, so he made up a test hoping that Paddy would fail and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.
"Here's your first question" the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Wittout nombers?" Paddy says. "Agh! dat's easy," and he draws three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ain't ye got no brains? tree, 'n tree, 'n tree makes noin," says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99."
Paddy thinks for a minute then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ye arr!"
The boss scratches his head and asks "How on earth does that make 99?"
"Well," says Paddy, "Each tree is dirty now! So dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, makes nointynoin."
The boss is getting worried that he may have to hire a Dubliner after all so he thinks and says, "Last question, same rules but this time make it 100."
Paddy again thinks for a minute, then takes the picture and makes a small mark at the bottom of each tree. "Der ye arr!"
The boss looks at the picture and says, "You must be crazy that never represents 100!"
"Well then," says Paddy, "Ye see, a little doggie comes along and has a shoit at de bottom of dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree 'n a turd, dirty tree 'n a turd, dirty tree 'n a turd an dat makes a hunnert! When do I start?"
erstellt: 01.12.2006 15:38:53
Again by email, so origin unknown.
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to! sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets :
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want th eir hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children !!!!!!!!!!!!!
|tech reply|| |
erstellt: 05.12.2006 19:20:24 geändert: 05.12.2006 19:22:19
well, this "message" came and I didn't give it to my son and his wife. Shortly after my friend sent me this one (she suggested I send them a "happy honeymoon card" with this "tech reply" just to put things straight - - but as I had not sent the 'request' there was no need for the 'answer')
Response to User #10-1-13-5-19
We receive many inquiries to this perceived problem. However it is almost always the result of a common error.
Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program.
This is a serious misconception.
Although Wife 1.0 includes many Utilities and Entertainment functions, Wife 1.0 is actually an entire Operating System. It has been designed to run everything.
Warning! Do not try to: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous, resulting in the loss of valuable system resources.
You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0., Wife 1.0 is not programmed to do this.
Many have tried "workarounds".
These only complicate the situation. Reprogramming is not advised even if you are an expert as you are unfamiliar with the fine internal links we had to create to give a maximum of external functions and internal features.
Tampering with the coding might seriously damage the whole system and cause you lengthy downtime, loss of data and damage to hardware for which we cannot be held responsible.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 and found the problems persist.
Others, in an ill conceived attempt, have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background while Wife 1.0 is running. This almost always results in serious system conflicts, possibly leading to a non-recoverable system crash.
We recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and adjust a few user input parameters.
I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). Should a GPF occur, the best course of action will be to push the Apologize Button then Reset Button as soon as lock-up occurs.
The system will run smoothly as long as you provide needed maintenance time.
To free up CPU time and improve performance be certain that you have terminated your several search and scan routines.
Because each copy of Wife 1.0 is a uniquely configured system, no single manual will cover all enabled features.
New users should first consult with those who have been running Wife 1.0 for many years before installing a copy yourself. You should consider joining one of our established local users group to discuss your specific configuration.
Remember, the installation of Wife 1.0 can allow maximum system potential, particularly when used with supplementary applications. For example, killer apps Contentment 2.5 and Reliability 6.12a have been known to max out when run with TLC 2 and Communicator 5.0.
There are no plans for upgrades; Wife 1.0 was designed to work for a lifetime.
End of response
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