|Forum: "Something to laugh about"
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|Hope you have not heard it yet|| |
erstellt: 13.06.2006 15:46:39
Quite an old one but still good, hee hee Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise....... BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster......... BUMP........BUMP...... BUMP........BUMP.. BUMP........BUMP...... The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ....... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys. His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase..... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........ BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad. BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin....... still it came ........ BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........ still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH... He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........ The coffin stopped.
|Let's face it -- English is a crazy language!|| |
erstellt: 14.06.2006 09:24:46 geändert: 14.06.2006 09:25:36
(This essay has been attributed to Richard Lederer.)
There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither
apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is
teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese.
So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one
amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single
annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but
one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a
vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you
wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed
to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo
by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways
and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee
be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can
the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when
they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful
gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was discombobulated,
gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE
spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form
by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects
the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when
the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my
watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!
Vielleicht sollten wir "Something to laugh 2" eröffnen????
|@ justicebear|| |
erstellt: 14.06.2006 14:01:04 geändert: 14.06.2006 14:02:13
Hatte schon wieder Tomaten auf den Augen: Für mich war das ein justice-bear, was immer das sein mochte. Auf icebear war ich gar nicht gekommen..
Hast Recht, werde demnächst ein 2. Forum eröffnen.
Übrigens, dein Supertext stand bei mir auch schon in der Warteschleife, fertig zum Abschicken. Ich find ihn toll. Danke
Ich hoffe, die folgende Hotline wird keiner von uns nötig haben...
Subject: Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
|A loving husband|| |
erstellt: 14.06.2006 15:15:26
Oh my, which number am I going to press... especially after reading siebengscheits crazy essay?! Ich bin verwirrt.
Doch hier, was ich neulich in der Umkleide überhören durfte.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1500.00. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: " I also stopped at the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2006 models. I saw one that I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "For that price I want all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $850,000.00."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $840,000.00."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too!"
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in
Then he asks: "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
Beitrag (nur Mitglieder)